Pitcher Perfect

If I could do any job in the world, I'd like to be a starting pitcher in the National League. This would sure beat the pants off Mike Rowe's gig on Dirty Jobs. When I say pitcher, I'm not talking about a chump who goes 6-15 on the season with a 4.78 E.R.A. I'm talking about a perennial 20-game winner who can dominate a game with lights out "stuff." I'd want the fastball of a Billy Wagner, the knee-buckling curveball of a David Wells, the nasty slider of a John Smoltz, and the devastating change-up of a Trevor Hoffman. Add to that arsenal a Greg Maddux-like ability to locate the ball, the on-mound poise of a Tom Glavine, and the intimidation factor of a Randy Johnson.

It's that intimidation factor that has me intrigued. In the era of media driven sports, even the best starting pitcher could use a well-run image campaign. My personal PR campaign would center around the most intimidating pitch of all--a fastball with great movement thrown consistently in the mid-to-upper 90s and capable of hitting triple digits when I reach back for that little extra (insert "grunting" sound effect here). A fastball like this deserves a denotative upgrade. I will call mine--drum roll please--the "Velocitor."

That's a good start, but I also need an image to go along with the name for marketing purposes. It's a bit fuzzy in my head, but I can see this picture beginning to form, of a velociraptor atop a pitching mound. I can see it's piercing eyes glaring in toward home plate, and it has a baseball clinched in the claws of its prehensile-like throwing arm. Well, it's a start anyway. And, the marketing potentials are promising. I can hear Stuart Scott on Sports Center stating emphatically: "The Yankees will not be able to hit the Velocitor in the opening game of the 2006 World Series!" Then there are the t-shirts, the freezer mugs, the ball caps, and of course, baseballs with claw mark etchings. And with the continued growth of the Christian gift store industry, there could also be the Velociraptor Study Bible in the NIV with a special section on how to "strike out sin" in your life. "Special Offer: Buy this Bible and get two upper-deck tickets to see the Velociraptor pitch in Jurassic Park." But enough about the Korean connection.

There are also drawbacks though. A flare-up of tendonitis could lead sports writers to pen articles with headlines like "Armasaurus." And in the National League, I'm just begging to be called "Buntasaurus" when it's my turn at the plate. Inevitably, there is also the obnoxious fan in a frigid, late October Yankee Stadium holding a sign that reads: "Watch out Velociraptor--the Ice Age is coming." Yeah, very funny. Now put your shirt back on.

The biggest drawback, though, to the velociraptor image boils down to simple physics. Let's face it, there's no way it's dog-like arm could throw a ball to home plate, much less throw a pitch resembling anything close to the almighty Velocitor. So, don't send those Bibles to the press quite yet.

Perhaps an orangutan with it's longer arms would be a more logical choice. Does that mean I'd be the "Velocutan?" Not quite sure if that works, although there are also endorsement opportunities. Commercial: "Hi, I'm the Velocutan, and when it comes time for me to jump start my day, I reach for a tall glass of delicious Tang..." Hey, it would be money I don't have right now, even if it was only "chimp-change." And speaking of the zoologically-challenged, I would also dread groupies hoisting signs over the dugout reading, "We're ape for the Velocutan," not to mention signs on ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball reading, "Entertainment Sports Primate Network."

Well, if anything in this entry, I've monkeyed around with a plan to become a dominant pitcher in the National League. Now, I just need a few other things to fall into place, such as being able to throw a major league fastball, being 15 years younger, and being in superb physical condition. In the meantime, though, it's time for another glass of Tang.