Calling about Camels with No Hands*

Have you ever thought that someone in a public place was talking to you only to find that they were talking on a hands-free phone? This can still be a bit confusing at times, but I generally figure things out when I see the earpiece the other person is wearing. With the way technology is progressing, I can't help but wonder what is next. And my guess is that other people are thinking the same thing.

So, I propose to play on this uncertainty by placing and answering "phone calls" in public places, but without using any visible communication device. The trick here is to sound completely convincing in the imaginary dialogue, and I figure that a waiting room with a captive audience might be the best place.

Chances are that the "audience" may not notice the absence of a phone at first, so I might have to create a bit of attention. Perhaps I'll transfer a call to someone on my contact list--all while holding a magazine in both hands.

"Christina, let me transfer you to homicide." [Then, let the silence hang heavily in the air.]

I also need to have an exotic topic that compels people to listen. Sure, they are thumbing through a worn-out copy of People magazine, but there is no doubt that they are listening to me as well.

"Frank, I talked to my man in Hong Kong this morning, and we going to cancel the deal."

[Pause for 5 seconds.]

"That's what I said. I told him, 'Mr. Secretary, If you want to continue the camel trade in Southwest Egypt, then you are going to do it without me! I will not have my people go through another Cairo incident.'"

[Pause for 10 seconds.]

"Yeah."

[Another pause.]

"Okay. No problem at all. Hold on. Let me get a three-way call going here with Abdul...."

*Title sponsored by a generous grant from the American Foundation for the Advancement of Misplaced Modifiers (AFAMM).