Regarding the Tarantula
Grundelman's Pipe Organs
2300 S. Washington
Kokomo, IN 46903
Dr. Andrew Rudd
Associate Professor and Chair
Department of Communication
515 25th Street NW
May 11, 2006
Dear Dr. Rudd:
It is with considerable regret that we inform you of the passing of Mrs. Ethel Mertleman of Foppsberry Acres, North Carolina. She spoke warmly of you and your research regarding garage sales. As a tribute to Mrs. Mertleman, let us pause for a space of white.
Thank you.
I write also to inform you that the estate of the deceased has bequeathed to you a 1932 steam powered pipe organ. Known as the “Tarantula,” this instrument was the largest Dutch-built pipe organ in America until 2001. Its 417 ranks are sure to bring you and your family listening pleasure for years to come.
Please kindly inform us regarding your method of transportation for this fine instrument.
Sincerely,
Raul A. Mosley,
Estate Pipeologist
"Grundelman's--Kicking Liturgical Hiney Since 1890"
posted by Raul Mosley at
11:39 AM
4 Comments:
I'm wondering if there will be a ceremony to present this organ. If so, I would like to attend.
And also, I would like to weare my kilt and sing a traditional Irish Anthem.
Thankyou,
Daniel Rudd Z.0., LLM., DDN.
By
Daniel Rudd, At
7:54 PM
ok seriously,
I've got to know what this is all about.
It's too random and floaty to be real, yet to detailed and ridiculous to be fake!
By
Daniel Rudd, At
4:28 PM
Dear Mr. Mosely,
May we first convey our deepest regrets at the news of Mrs. Mertleman’s passing. Certainly your words suggested that she was a delightful woman. We, of course, can neither confirm nor deny at this time that Mrs. Mertleman was of any acquaintance with our client, Dr. Rudd.
Due to Human Subjects Review Board Provision 2B. III. 4-6. a., any subjects involved in the garage sales research project conducted by Dr. A. Rudd were granted confidentiality as to their identity. When our client, Dr. Rudd, consulted us for legal advice regarding the organ you refer to in your letter, we were, of course aware of the fact that said confidentiality may not, indeed, pertain any more to Mrs. Mertleman because of her recent passing.
Except for the unique ruling in Dante vs. Oklahoma (1995) (but overturned in an appeals court in 1998, currently pending on an extended docket for the state supreme court) confidentiality agreements have generally been limited to the lifespan of the signatories. However, as you know, the strange permutations of Dante vs. Oklahoma (1995) have rippled out to jurisdictions and domains heretofore unimagined. The upshot? We have advised our client that his confidentiality agreement, if it ever existed with Mrs. Mertleman, is still in effect. We must draw your attention to the clause in the last sentence, “if it ever existed” to reinforce that this sentence is not intended to mislead you into believing that Dr. Rudd ever did in fact know Mrs. Mertleman. We can neither confirm nor deny that fact.
We do apologize if the particulars of the preceding paragraphs misled you to believe that we would, indeed, be able to recognize Mrs. Mertleman’s relationship (if she had one) to Dr. Rudd. We do like to, as a firm, be able to recognize the human dimensions that infuse all of our work as a legal entity and never be simply callous to the legal codes and expectations that constrain our expeditious, yet judicious decision making. In honor of our commitment to humanness, and in honor of Mrs. Mertleman’s passing, we too would like to pause for a space of white:
*if the preceding passage was rendered a color other than white due to the technological constraints of the computer you are reading this letter from, Brunderman, Brunderman, Acres and Howellstein does not accept responsibility. (Horowitz vs. Shiawasee County, 1975) We do still hope that you accept our token of respect, honor, grief and general humanness.
Now. On to the matter of the Tarantula. Our Client, Dr. Rudd informs us that one of his subjects, given the fictitious name of Mrs. Bertleman in his dissertation, due to Human Subject Review Board Specifications (as outlined in the sub-codes III.a.viiii.), a delightful woman who played her pipe organ vigorously throughout his interview with her at her garage sale, spoke quite vigorously about her commitment to the professional roller skating associations of America. As a result, our client Dr. Rudd has taken the liberty to contact Whirling Wheelchairs of Wheeling WV, a retirement community strictly occupied by former national level roller skating champions. Whirling Wheelchairs has agreed that the Tarantula would be a lovely acquisition for their recreational rink. Please ship the organ post haste to the following address:
Whirling Wheelchairs
546678 Main Street
Wheeling WV 26003
We must again affirm that your compliance with these arrangements made by our client, are purely voluntary and not in any way reflective of an admission of the identities of aforementioned persons. We should further clarify that if any of the residents of Whirling Wheels are injured during the skating and playing of the tarantula, neither Brunderman, Brunderman, Acres and Howellstein nor our client accepts any liability for injuries sustained.
Thank you for your efficacious execution of Mrs. Mertleman’s estate and your rigorous talent at pipeology.
Sincerely
Phineas Brunderman Jr.
Associate Partner
Brunderman, Brunderman, Acres and Howelstein
By
Anonymous, At
8:31 PM
well then....
I guess that's settled!
By
Daniel Rudd, At
9:56 PM
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